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The difference between “like” “love” and “in love” is the same as the difference between “for now” “for a while” and “forever”
When the cashier asks "How`s your day going?" I reply "I`m buying 3 bottles of wine, it`s clearly only getting better."
No one wants to hear about your diet. Just eat your salad and be sad.
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like "Dude, you have to wait."
All you single ladies, please stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don`t subject an innocent cat to a life with you.
I just saw a bus that you would look amazing under.
I`m glad it`s the thought that counts because I spend all day thinking about the sh!t I should be doing.
Silence is Golden, unless you`re married.. Then Silence is Suspicious.
Can anyone tell me how to become a illegal immigrant, their benefits are undeniably more superior to our own.
The object of golf is to play the least amount of golf.
OMG!!!!! I almost went to the toilet without my phone!
Are you bored? Go to someone`s Facebook wall, Scroll down 4 months and like something.
You know you had an interesting day when your Google search history includes "rubber panda".
This post was going to be really funny but I didn`t write it down because I was totally sure I`d remember it.
Dear autocorrect: at no point have I ever meant “ducking.”