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Where do homeless people find all these sharpies?
that awkward moment when you`re scuba diving and you see Adele rolling in the deep.
I don`t get offered drugs nearly as often as D.A.R.E. said I would.
Women spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
State of mind is in no mind to state its state of mind.
Roses are red, dead ones are black, why is your chest as flat as your back?
Crazy? ... My therapist does say I should quit talking to myself.
If a girl texts you and asks if you think she`s fat and you try to respond "Nooo" autocorrect changes it to "Moo" so that`s pretty cool.
If the conversation gets too serious and uncomfortable, take your pants off.
I wasn`t planning on giving Christmas gifts this year until I heard about those exploding Samsung G7 Note phones.
I don`t always say I`m never drinking again, but when I do, I`m a f*cking liar.
No, I do not want to talk about how I got all these scratches. On a completely unrelated note; If you`ve ever wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase,,,.. it’s 9.
Key to a Happy Life: Get a job where people ask, “You actually get paid for doing this?”
I don’t care if it’s 1 A.M. I don’t consider it “tomorrow” until I wake up.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won`t let me use their microwave.