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People of planet Earth, thank your gods that I`m not in charge of the red button.
Who the hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere just let one in your home and it becomes your cat.
I just drink until the sadness becomes hilarious.
I’ve been that, done that, had that, lost that, needed that and felt that. Just a few of the many reasons why I always drink to “that”.
The best way to a woman`s heart is by saying three words - You lost weight.
FUN FACT: I can fit 17 Pringles in my mouth. SAD FACT: I tried to figure out how many Pringles I could fit in my mouth.
I know I`m an adult now, but I still hold out hope that money will fall out of every card I get.
Relationship status: sleeping in my bed diagonally.
Dear piece of paper that wont go in the dust pan ... f*ck you!
If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet inhabited by intelligent life, let’s just make patterns in their crops and leave.
I wish that just once, the clerk would just put the Monopoly money in the drawer and hand me a receipt
Hello? HP? I’d like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet but you sent me a printer.
The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. It’s greener where you water it.
When you’re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.
The problem with drinking with people from work is they`re the ones I bitch about when I`m drunk.