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LIFE TIP: The early worm gets dismembered, and eaten alive!
Let’s get naughty and save Santa the trip.
Holidays, hotels and women. Three things that always look better online than in real life.
I`m just a guy standing in front of a huge pile of laundry wondering how flammable it is.
If God is a woman then how do you explain: 1) Spiders 2) Shoes you can`t afford 3) Periods 4) Men
I know I should lift weights, but those things are heavy!!
When you buy Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, it`s like you are paying for all the free candy you got when you were a kid.
It is a sad day when you go to all the trouble of getting a Frontal Lobotomy and no one notices.....................
Some young men are like bottles of wine. They need to be tended to carefully & given time to mature; which is why I keep a few in my cellar.
Firemen, Astronauts, and Doctors are the only people who actually followed through on what they wanted to be when they grew up.
Win every argument simply by repeating your opponent`s last sentence in a whiny voice.
Yes, I streaked once on a dare ... all the rest of the times though were just for fun
Best Pregnancy T-Shirt… “9 Months Sober”
I can either be on time or wearing pants. Pick one.
Dear human, you get mad when i wake you up and also get mad when i dont. Sincerely confused, Alarm Clock.