Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I’d tell you what I’m doing but I’ve learned from other evil villains not to announce my plans first.
Tattoos are like potato chips. You can`t have just one.
If a dentist makes his money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
I just found out the neighborhood is having a meeting about the creepy guy. ..Its weird that they forgot to invite me ..
So Monday and Tuesday sucked. But, with the right mix of caffeine, alcohol and mushrooms, Wednesday doesn´t even have to happen at all.
I put the "fun" in "functioning alcoholic"
Note to Self: In future interviews, don`t say "Safe in your strong arms" when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress so that I’ll have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
I hate being bi-polar. It`s awesome.
The problem with alcohol is that... it wears off.
I think that work and microwave minutes are longer than regular minutes.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after the 4th sneeze…get your self together
I’m home alone. Time to start my concert.
There are plenty of fish in the sea, but I like women.
I thought we had nothing in common until I saw you buying 3 margaritas at a time.