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How do I tell my boss I don`t want to do work anymore but still want money.
Why fart and waste it, when you can burp and taste it
I can’t hang out tonight because I’m done with people for the day.
I don`t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense ... Like a Bear at mile 3
Trust me, when they make a pill that REALLY makes your d!ck grow, that commercial will be on during the Super Bowl, not 3am!
My parents say I was an unplanned child, which probably explains why my life isn`t going to plan.
I’ve finally decided to do something about my weight ... Lie.
I just changed my relationship status from “left hand” to “right hand”…
Nobody cleans a house faster than a man expecting to get laid.
The way my dog acts, you`d think his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
Please God cure my hangover and I promise I will never drink again, also please forgive me in advance for lying about never drinking again.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on ... at my desk ... I`m pretty.
Wondering if my heart is healthy enough for sex ... volunteers needed.
I can always tell when I`m drunk. I tend to drop things...like my standards
Too many people complain about their looks, but not nearly enough complain about their brains.