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I can alwasy tell when movies do not use real dinosaurs
I`ve done a lot of things over the years ... But acting normal has never been one of them.
Thought cartoons were getting better. Turns out it was a news story about Justin Bieber.
I miss that feeling you`d get at the video store when you discovered the movie you wanted to rent was available.
In-laws the reason why I`d never get married..
I’m considering becoming a mind reader ... What are your thoughts?
They should make an app that tells me how many Oreos I can eat for every mile I jog.
That moment when you run into a spider web and suddenly become a karate master.
I’m surprised more people don’t Photoshop a cleaner house into the background of their pictures.
Screaming out "BOOM PREGNANT!" during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
You’d be amazed how often I’m wrong when people say guess what.
Whenever someone says to me “Things could be worse” I punch them in the face and say “Like that?”
I`m at my most badass when I`m popping a wheelie with a shopping cart.
It really pisses me off when I plan a conversation in my head and the other person doesn’t follow the damn script.
I`m one of the nicest a$$holes you could ever hope to meet.