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That awkward moment when im in the Airport, I walk through the metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts...it would be very creepy.
My greatest fear is standing on stage in front of millions while my Google search history is read aloud...
My new home security sign : "EBOLA QUARANTINE" - Deters salesman, thieves, and neighbors.
Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you`ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you.
All I`m saying is you don`t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Step aside coffee, this job is going to take hard liquor.
I think I bought just enough fireworks to get my neighbor to move.
Never underestimate a woman`s ability to make you feel responsible and guilty for her mistakes.
Sometimes the problem with reality is the lack of background music.
Got kicked out of the casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.
Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don`t have to.
Life seemed more interesting when everyone owned a flask.
Sweating is for people who do stuff.