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I always keep a google search for "how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them" open on my phone in case anyone steals it.
If a bra is called an `over the shoulder bolder holder`, then what would you call men underwear? Under the butt nut hut
Laughter is the best medicine but if you are laughing without any reason, I think you need medicine
Why does toilet paper need a commercial? Who is not buying this?
Every parent’s superpower is the ability to communicate “I love you!” and “I will kill you!” with a single look.
As a child, my mom told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
Feeling so good today ... High-five the person next to you and tell them it`s from me.
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
sometimes... late at night... i rearrange traffic signs. people need to be challenged.
So apparently RSVP`ing back to a wedding invite `maybe next time` isn`t the correct response
I once shot a man with a paintball gun just to watch him dye.
Imagine if someone`s name was Gurt. You`d be all "yo gurt!" .. funny? no? Ok (._.)
How I talk: 25% swearing, 25% sarcasm 50% a combination of both.
Now that there is no FBI director we can finally make copies of VHS tapes
Never do anything for money. Unless it’s a lot of money. Then do anything.