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If you`ve never put fake blood capsules in your mouth before going to the dentist you are too mature to be my friend.
Don`t be scared of the government shutdown, liquor stores are run by the states.
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding… that the other person is a complete idiot!
I stamp my hand on Saturday morning so it looks like I went out on Friday night.
Coffee: fueling you for a job you can`t stand to support a life you never wanted. Tastes good though...
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: `Why am I talking to myself?`
I`m having one of those days where my middle finger is answering all my questions...
Dear sneeze, If you`re gonna happen, happen. Don`t put a stupid look on my face and leave
I am not saying you are stupid, because I thought you already knew
I`ve come to the sad realization nobody will ever triumphantly pour Gatorade on me for any reason
Happy 15th birthday google, 3 more years and you will be able to search for adult sites legally
A real friend is someone who knows how damn crazy you are... But is still willing to be seen out in public with you.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he’ll probably be like, “Hey, remember when you used to just give me fish?”
You know you had a good night when your first call the next morning is from the bank making sure your card wasn`t stolen.
at my age, the best part of waking up is the fact that I did wake up