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An awkward morning beats a boring night.
"Dancing with the Stars" is being canceled, but tune in to a new reality show by the same creators called, "Athletes do your Taxes."
If I had a dollar for everytime i thought of you, I would start thinking about you!
If no one comes from the future to stop you, than how bad of a decision can it really be.
There are 2 types of people in this world, those who press “door close” in the elevator before others can jump on & those who are liars.
I spent yesterday painting some kickass flames on a car. I bet whoever owns it was stoked when they came out of the mall.
There could be literally thousands of chameleons in your house right now and you don`t even know it.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Why do people have to get ready for bed? I’m always ready for bed
A smart man washes his hands after he pees. A wise man doesn`t pee on his fingers.
My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night… So I said I had a headache.
Alcohol doesn`t get people drunk, people get people drunk. Drunk people get other drunk people extra drunk.
Okay, enough procrastination. Time for excuses.
I bought a little bag of air today, and the company that made it were kind enough to put some potato chips in it.
I wanna be rich enough to have 11 little people who run out of my closet every morning dressed as a nascar pit crew to make my bed really fast.