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Instead of calling in sick, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today.
Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say, “Close Enough.”
I think sex is probably the best stress reliever, but I haven’t beaten anyone with a baseball bat before, so I can’t be 100% sure.
It would be a lot easier to drink the recommended 64oz of water a day if it was beer.
Based on how I react when the toast pops out of the toaster, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
A graham cracker is just a white dude selling coke in the ghetto.
Without facebook: more sleep, less drama, and a life!
A German boy pushed his brother off a cliff. He then turned to his mother and said "Look Mom! No Hans!"
Stages of Drunk: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don`t wake up the cows.
Whenever you hear the phrase "Oh no he didn`t" you can rest assured that he did.
Hello everyone. Look at your status, now back to mine, now back to yours, now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn’t mine. But if you stopped posting about other things and made this your status, yours could be like mine. Look down, back up. Where are you? You’re on Facebook, reading the status your status could be like.
My favorite word is `apparently`. Makes anything sound sarcastic. He`s intelligent, apparently.
I am hungry 25 hours a day
I`m so lonely that my cat owns a cat.