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loves infomercials, but claiming that a product promotes weight loss when combined with diet and exercise is like claiming it grants wishes when used with a leprechaun.
i hate not being able to correct the typo i just made in my previous statues update......DAMN IT! I JUST DID IT AGAIN!
Is it rude to throw a breath mint in someone`s mouth while they are talking?
Tomorrow, I`m going to open up the time capsule I buried when I was a kid. I can`t wait to see how big my puppy got!
I just decorated my bedroom to look like my desk at work so I can fall sleep faster.
I`m done chasing people who aren`t willing to do the same for me. After today, the ice cream man can go f*ck himself!!
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think “look at all these poor people who don’t know Netflix exists.”
I guess I’ll take my Christmas tree down today.
Nice meeting you, but I forgot your name as soon as you said it...
"But why?" - Me at weddings
I never said "you were stupid" I said "you are stupid", there`s nothing past tense about it!
Admit it. When you go to the zoo, the first thing you look at is the Camel`s foot.
Just watched (insert title of horror movie) and it wasn`t scary at all. The crap in my pants is a pure coincidence.
So red or white wine with hamburger helper?
Redneck`s famous last words: "Is that enough duck tape?"