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It only takes a second to show a person how much you feel about them. The police call it indecent exposure, but whatever...
Your kid is running around the store screaming at the top of his lungs annoying everyone and I`m the a$$hole for tripping him?
Woke up with my credit card lying on my keyboard. I can`t wait to see what drunk me bought sober me.
I love you more than I hate everyone else.
I used to wonder what it was like to read people’s minds. Then I got a Facebook account and I got over it.
Somebody tell me how "Rub a dub dub, 3 men in a tub" became a nursery rhyme?
Thank you Pringles for being the only chip company that doesn`t sell air.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
If I ever put stuff in storage I`m going to write "gold bars" and "priceless memorabilia" on the boxes just to mess with storage wars.
Spoiler alert: Your `97 Nissan Sentra doesn`t need one.
My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel when crossing the street.
If time does not wait for you, don’t worry. Just remove the battery from the clock and enjoy life.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
What are the words I`m looking for? Oh yeah...Eat sh!t and die.
I broke up with my girlfriend by e-mail. I don`t know what upset her most, the fact that I did it by email or the fact that I cc`d my new girlfriend who wanted proof.