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Ended a relationship today. Don`t worry, it wasn`t mine.
Confidence is going after Moby Dick in a row boat ... and taking the tartar sauce with you.
Partying on my level requires years of training.
When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure, When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure, When you drink Whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems, When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems. Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
I just decorated my bedroom to look like my desk at work so I can fall sleep faster.
It`s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.
The only person that can procrastinate more than me hasn`t even been born yet.
Every night before bed I do this cute little thing where I stare at the Internet for 6.5 hours
I feel so lazy.. Lazy as the guy who created the Japanese flag
Sarcasm is wasted on the idiots who inspire it.
Offering a hobo $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else...
Some of the best memories I have are of times right before the cops showed up.
I will probably die as a result of being sarcastic to the wrong person at the wrong time.
We should be thanking our Dads for bringing us into the world, not our Moms. She probably wasn`t in the mood...