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"Ho, Ho, Ho!" -Santa Claus/Pimp, doing a head count.
Ladies, life is short. So buy the shoes!
How do people rap? I can’t even talk without messing it up.
I just called the Alcohol Hotline and those bastards don`t even deliver.
You know you`re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you`re down there.
That awkward moment when you’re laughing so hard, you accidentally hit your head on something..
When do you take 5 hr energy? Right when I get off work ..12am!..beer here I come!
There`s a sucker born every minute, but swallowers are harder to find.
I`m starting to think that Dr. Dre isn`t a real doctor after all...
Getting my kids to the airport always feels like I`m recreating the first 10 minutes of "Home Alone."
I`m sorry officer, I thought you wanted to race.
I`m so, so sorry I started the whole Facebook Is Going To Start Charging thing. I didn`t think it would go THIS far..... sorry
Are you really sorry or are you just Charlie Sheen sorry?
Keep the dream alive, hit the snooze button.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.