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There’s a special place in Hell for people who call to see if you got their email!
The only way you can be right in an argument with a woman is by admitting you`re wrong.
Life would be so much better if there were piñatas strategically placed throughout my day.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
LOOK A UFO! Quick, grab the worst camera money can buy.
Just think about all the stuff you aren`t thinking about.
500 + friends... and not one of you saw where I put the remote?
Fart jokes ain`t funny, they stink.
"The secret is that it`s all in the wrist!" -My grandfather talking about golf or handjobs or something
I hate when I oversleep at work and get home late.
I`m the opposite of psychic. I don`t even know what I`m thinking! ;)
i only drink on days that end with y
Even if women came with an instructions manual men still wouldn`t read it.
I think I have 10 inches of Global Warming on my driveway.
Everyone loved Jack-in-the-box as kids. Now I`m older, I like mine in the bottle