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SCARY BUT TRUE: statistics show that everyone who’s ever used a cell phone will die
You know your fat when you sit in the bath tub and the water in the toilet rises.
I hate buying feminine products! How am I supposed to know if this is the right kind of broom or not?
Today I found a penny. It reminded me of you. Worthless & found in everybody`s pants.
Sports commentators need to stop saying penetrate
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
The nice thing about being single is when you`re setting the silverware, it doesn`t matter which side you put the remote on.
I’m not shy, I’m just really good out figuring out who is not worth talking to.
Sitting out in my front yard pointing a hair dryer at speeding cars to see if any slow down.
Why is it that people who drink energy drinks seem like the people with the least amount of sh!t going on?
Here`s to all the kids who have never found their name on anything in a souvenir store
Somewhere the inventor of yoga pants is near death from all the high fives and non-stop free tequila shots he gets.
Ain`t no sunshine when she`s gone..... or sandwiches.... Ain`t no sandwiches either.
I hate fake people...especially the ones at the mall advertising clothes in front of the stores
A friend like you is worth a million dollars. So, if you don’t mind…can I sell you?