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The human soul weights 1.2 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work.
Sometimes I don`t go big just so I can go home.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent`s face there is no known comeback.
You know what`s really great about being a narcissist? Me.
"Wife dragged me to this theater. Somebody shoot me." -Abraham Lincoln`s last Tweet.
Anybody have plans to stare at their phone somewhere exciting this weekend?
Mashed potatoes really beg the question: “what else could we massively improve by squashing the hell out of it?”
Dating these days must be so hard, because how do you know somebody loves you if they don’t make you a mix tape?
This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs when she said, “Would you please press 1?” So I did. I don’t remember much afterwards.
What makes fancy green beans fancy?
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said "I will text you when I get home". I think she`s homeless.
I only get religious when scratching off lottery tickets.
Starting tomorrow: Whatever Life throws at me… I’m gonna duck so it hits someone else.
I used to be so broke when homeless people saw me coming by they would hide their change cups.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than "he sees how creepy u are, that`s why he doesn`t want to shake your hand".