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To understand paranoid people better, follow them around
It`s pretty cool how vodka always has such `great` ideas.
Mom: "Why is everything on the floor?" Me: "Gravity, Mom."
Unfortunately, showing that much cleavage doesn`t fix your face.
If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to grow up, I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.
"Rise and shine” is probably the most depressing thing a shoeshiner hears in the morning.
The worst part about being alone is I don`t have anyone to get me a beer from the fridge.
If I haven`t offended you, just scroll thru my timeline. It`s in there.
I like wearing glasses because I like to dramatically remove them before I say something profound. Doing that with contacts doesn`t have the same effect.
You say mystery bruise, I say drinking badge of honor.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
The fastest way to find out if your wife is just pretending to be asleep to avoid sex is to pick up her phone and start scrolling.
I`ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I`ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can`t reach the remote.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
The Drug Store cashier asked me how im doing as I put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. "Not great man, I`ve got diarrhea" I told him.