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Do I have to wake up? I just woke up yesterday.
"Memory foam pillow fights". That`s one fight you`ll never forget.
Joggers always give each other a little nod when they pass, just like fat guys in a buffet line.
I bet the first person that heard a parrot talk really lost their sh!t.
Some people should use a glue stick instead of chap stick.
Shout out to the post office for delivering my recycling to me every day.
I wish my wallet came with free refills.
When I was a kid, I thought quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem than it really is.
At night I dump massive amounts of Legos on the floor in case anyone tries to rob my house bare footed.
To Do: Figure out how to get paid to travel the world and eat.
Onion rings are vegetables. And the Large size counts as two servings.
Every morning I swallow a piece of paper that says "Keep up the good work fellas!!" just in case I die and the doctors have to do an autopsy on me
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental issues
I scream. You scream. The police come ... It`s awkward ;)
Sometimes I get mad about having to unload the dishwasher but then I remember a machine just washed my dishes for me.