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You can learn a lot about a girl by ignoring her text messages.
*Financial Status* Just rinsed off a paper plate...
Do you know who invented the Knock Knock joke? I don`t know either, but whoever did should get a no bell prize.
The ultimate act of trust is buying your spouse a gun, and then showing them the correct way to use it.
When I die I want my body donated to science, but more specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to life…
Learn cursive, they said. You`ll need it your whole life, they said.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
My mom says I`m special.
It’s a good job Apple isn’t in charge of New Year. We’d all be expecting 2015 and get 2014S instead.
I`m currently writing a book about my love of dogs and gardening. It`s called b*tches and hoes
Neil Armstrong said "One small step for man...". I would`ve just said "OH MY GOD, I`M ON THE MOON!!!!!!".
If you’re that person that makes microwave popcorn at work, nobody likes you.
I like it when everyone posts on Facebook what they are cooking for diner...it makes my decision on who to drop in on so much easier.
If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that it doesn`t let you skip.
"I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone" -girls who can`t figure out boyfriend`s passwords