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Best thing about being single… -no drama -no fighting -no crying -no feelings -no confusion -no worries -no PROBLEMS!
Relationships are like yard sales... They look good from a distance but you get there & realize its just a bunch of sh!t you dont need.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Every time a clerk asks "Did you find everything you need?" I always answer "No, I couldn`t find a hug"
Not having any friends means I`m always the pretty one.
Life before the computer: Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider’s home. A virus was the flu. A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived. And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy…you just hoped nobody found out.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God...just texted her and said "I saw that"
There are 2 kinds of people: 1) Happy morning people 2) Cranky morning people that fantasize about killing the happy morning people
Do not keep all your work for tomorrow, always remember you can also do it the day after tomorrow.. Be lazy, Think crazy.
I wouldn`t pay for a personal trainer, but I would pay someone to just knock unhealthy food out of my hands.
Just got a fortune cookie with no fortune in it ... Sounds about right for this Monday
There are 364 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up. Unbelievable.
I`ve just seen an advert in my local newspaper. ACCOUNTANT NEEDED! $35,000 - $40,000 So I called them up and said, "The answer is -$5,000."
Retirement plans compared .. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000. With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left. If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left. But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for recycl
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.