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I`m "oh my god, gag me with a spoon" years old.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
The black sheep always have the best stories.
There`s a fine line between crazy and free spirited and it`s usually a prescription.
The sperm bank is overpriced to store my stuff so if you come over, don`t use the cloudy ice cubes from the tray labelled "Future Champions"
Why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo? Who has hair on their shoulders? Who`s shampooing their shoulder hair? ... please come forward.
Nothing hides your feelings like the backspace key.
There is 2 address we will always know by heart, 1: Our Own, and 2: P. Sherman 42 wallyby way Sydney!
WARNING::World Health Organization says radiation from cell phones may cause cancer. Please text everyone you know about this.
Parenting gets a lot harder when you can no longer say "I`m calling Santa!"
I still sing my ABC’s to see which letter comes first.
I ordered myself an Eastern European bride online. SO EXCITED. Just received confirmation… My Czech is in the mail!
I feel like I`ve passed my "Best If Used By date."
These statuses are a lot better if you imagine them being read by Morgan Freeman.
Nothing says IDGAF like an old lady at a slot machine wearing oxygen and smoking a cigarette.