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Seems like everyone is either trying to pretend they have the life they want, or escape the life they have.
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Found out today you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at the waffle house... just trying to help.
“True beauty is within” for example opening your fridge.
I need an emoticon that’s stabbing another emoticon in the eye with a pen while repeatedly punching it in its little emoticon balls.
The best sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on Facebook.
People are obsessed with the front seat of the car but when you get in a bus, you go straight to the back
if ever you need NOTHING, im here for you.
I ran into a dwarfs car this morning and he come up to me and said "I`m not happy!" And I said we`ll which one are you then
Ladies, Admit it. Sometimes you look down at your own boobs and think "Wow, these are Awesome!"
I just got a piece of mail that says "open immediately" but I`m gonna wait a few minutes.
I decided to bury the hatchet with that neighbor I never got along with. After all, it is the murder weapon.
I used to like my neighbors until they changed the password to their wi-fi :)
My newsfeed looks like a cross between a Civil War Soldier and ZZ Top photo album.
I put the “Pro” in Procrastinate.