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The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that`s just science.
Never take a laxative and a sleeping aid on the same night. dont ask me why.
My favorite hobbies are practical jokes and masturbation. I’m always trying to pull a fast one
From now on when someone asks you where you`re from look them dead in the eye and say: Planet Venus.
Most people don`t think I`m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
I’ve discovered, the easiest way to change a flat tire is by not wearing a bra.
Targeted ads are trying to sell me a new mattress nowadays. With how much Google knows about me you`d think they`d cap themselves at something like $5 footlongs or stationary.
Settle down homemade play dough parents.
My wrinkles are all from laughter. Except those between my eyebrows. Those are my `WTF` lines and those things are deep.
If you`re really really quiet, you can hear yourself doing the world a favor.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
I don’t care what women say, size matters in bed. The bigger the bed the more room you have to move around.
I wouldn`t say I`m a stalker so much as I am a covert observation enthusiast.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
if sexyness, kindness, sweetness was a crime, You would be the world`s most wanted