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Hello 911? Do you think i`m pretty?
You know something bad is about to happen when someone says "Hold my beer and watch this."
How do you play religious roulette? You stand around in a circle with your friends and blaspheme, and see who gets struck by lightning first.
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately.
Akward Moment Is When Your Twin Sister Calls You Ugly(:
There are dozens of different flavors of ramen noodles, but they all taste like poverty and loneliness.
If you were born in September, it`s pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a BANG
They say `No news is good news,` but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
A woman that doesn`t ask for nothing deserves everything
Billion dollar idea: A phone that charges using body fat!
The only stock options I have are chicken and beef.
Work is one long game of back and forth emails with cleverly disguised f*ck you`s.
Apparently I misunderstood it when I was told to "expose yourself to other cultures."
Donald Duck, saying screw you to pants since 1934.
Hangry: (noun) a state of anger caused by lack of food. May evoke negative change in emotional state. Translation -- Feed me or I`ll kill you.