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If your problem can’t be solved by me saying “damn” and nodding a lot, then you shouldn’t come to me for help.
I used to be a camera man in the porn industry but it became too hard...
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Tonight, I`m bringing Sexy back! I just hope I don`t need a receipt...
Turns out people who say they love hot sauce on anything are liars. In other news, I`ve recently been banned from making the classroom coffee.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
If the plan is “drink beer now, figure out life later” then yes, everything is going according to plan.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
I`m about 0 for 300 in looking for safes behind wall paintings
Whenever someone says they did something, "like a boss", I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are merely taking credit for it.
Boobs are like friends. Some are big. Some are small. Some are real. Some are fake. And some are just so fantastic you want everyone to meet them.
Never hire an Electrician with no eyebrows
I have read so much about the dangers of drinking and smoking, that i have decided to quit reading
I wan`t you to know that someone cares. not me, but someone.
Better to be incredibly weird than incredibly boring.