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I`ve single handedly defeated my erection.
I wish more of my handcuff stories involved sex instead of police officers.
For Display Only` signs on the toilets at Home Depot. Sorry guys my bad. ;)
Maybe it`s inappropriate for the first date but if there`s a maze on the menu I`m asking for crayons.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought, "Yep, you have a person in your basement."?
The average human uses less than 10 percent of the remote.
It takes patience to listen, it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
If a zombie apocalypse were to happen in Vegas... would it stay in Vegas?
What am I taking to the Family Thanksgiving feast? Tupperware.
If I have nosy neighbors, I always like to dig five 7 ft. x 3 ft. x 6 ft. holes in the back yard and every couple of days, Fill one in.
I hate it when I tell someone I`ll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway
Two things that most people want. 1. Lose weight 2. Eat
The most impressive thing about marathon runners is how they don’t check their phone for 3 hours.
It was so cold out today i actually saw a few gangsters with their pants pulled up.
Oh... the look on the Home Depot associate`s face when I asked him if the pruning shears will cut through bone... priceless.