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If someday we all go to prison for downloading Movies and TV shows, I just hope they split us up by genre.
The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
If the voices in my head had a British accent I would listen to them more often.
Got an awesome watch for my birthday. It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it already.
I just saw a gang of really drunk mosquitoes leave my arm and high-five each other. Weird.
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn´t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be.
Attention...my facebook page has been hacked. But everyone seems to like the new guy better, me too actually...so fvck it!
I will not be impressed with technology until I can download food from the internet.
Any person can be nice to my face, but it takes a real friend to be nice behind my back.
shoutout to people who have money but still order off the dollar menu
Please, please don`t be a bitch to me. Because then I`ll have to be a bitch back and I can do it better than you.
Man, just think how crazy Gollum goes on the 5th day of Christmas.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it`s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as "mother" or "father."
Setting the alarm clock proves I`m capable of making the same mistake every day.
This morning I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering. 98 of them said, "How did you get in here?"