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Do you think they still give out chips in Gambler`s Anonymous?
My superpower is making people laugh ... Which would be great if I was trying to be funny
Put glitter on top of all your friends ceiling fans blades........... Wait till summer... Enjoy!
trying to do something before the microwave is finished is sort of like trying to complete the countdown maths problem on countdown...
I don`t speak Spanish, but I`m pretty sure "Dora" means "annoying"
I answered the door in my underwear. That WAS the tip, pizza guy!
Hey Guys, I don’t have Instagram but I just wanted to let you know that I had oatmeal for breakfast. No sugar, mixed with water.
That moment when you pour yourself a bowl of cereal and discover there`s no milk. So you just sit there, wondering why bad things happen to good people?
Judging from the bar receipts, ATM withdraws, hand stamps, and the glitter in my car, I now realize I`m a ball of fun when I black out.
This patience thing takes forever.
If Mary Poppins floated in on an umbrella today, they`d shoot her out of the sky with a drone.
If a Donkey and Zebra ever mate they`d have to call the offspring a Zonkey because Debra is already taken.
Before bed, my Dad would always say, "OK son, time to hit the sack." Not sure how me punching him in the balls helped him sleep, but hey, that’s my Dad for ya.
Just because nobody complains doesn`t mean all parachutes are perfect.
Dear single guys; open a pet shop selling cats. Let the single ladies come to you.