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It`s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Hard butter is the devil.
I wish some people`s cardio exercise consisted of running into traffic.
How do you get to be that guy who waves the chopsticks at the the orchestra? I feel like I could do that.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Pro tip - You can blame anything on autocorrect.
Half the lies they tell about me aren`t true
Sorry, I can`t hangout. My uncle`s cousin`s sister in law`s best friend`s insurance agent`s roommate`s pet goldfish drowned. It was tragic.
How do I like my eggs? ... Ummm, in a cake
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags! She must be losing it! Who threatens someone with a vacation?
You never know how dirty a song’s lyrics are…until you hear a child sing them.
The best things in life can`t be seen or touched....well, at least that`s what the restraining order says.
Me: Mom...Dad. I`ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they´re going to be when you kill them.
Most friends with benefits have such high deductibles that you`ll always be paying way too much out of pocket.