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If you own a podium and put up a sign that says "valet" on it, can you just steal cars?
Sometimes I feel bad about the things I say and do, but today is not one of those days.
I cant remember the last time i forgot something
Apparently, when asked by a Traffic Cop "Where you going in such a hurry?", "To your sister`s house!" is not considered respectful to a law enforcement official......
Always keep a note in your medicine cabinet that says, “I thought you were peeing?”
I`m lost, no wait..... Yep, lost for sure
I am starting to think I will never be old enough to know better.
We look like we are being productive, but really, we are just talking sh!t about co-workers and how drunk we got last weekend.
Apparently, when asked "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "F**kin` large ones" is not the correct answer.
If you`re sick and tired of every Asshole on Facebook asking you to copy and paste stuff as your status, please copy and paste this as your status.
Attractive Woman: What time is it? Me: Haha. Yeah definitely
Hitting on women at this PTA meeting would probably be easier if I actually had a kid at this school.
I love my six pack abs so much that I cover them with a layer of fat .
A cop just pulled me over and said papers - so I said scissors, I win and drove off.
I just read an article about the dangers of drinking that scared the crap out of me. That`s it. No more reading!