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She walked in & she had legs, legs that went on for days. Who knows where they went? They just kept wenting. - Why my mystery novel failed
Men, if a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.
One man`s girlfriend is another man`s password.
If I lean to the left. I am not trying to whisper in your ear. I`m married. I`m gonna fart.
You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.
Kinda surprised I`m not an action figure by now.
Do midgets still start their childhood stories off with, "When I was little"
People are like dogs: There`s always someone who loves you for you and there`s someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
It´s not that I hate you, it´s just.. well I´ll put it this way.. if you were on fire & I had water, I´d drink it.
take it easy and if it is easy take it home
If stress burned calories, I’d be a super model.
People who enjoy life, rarely have a flat stomach.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
just realised MR OWL ATE MY METAL WORM is exactly the same backwards
“Until death do us part,” means we will all be single in heaven, right?