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Women don`t want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think.
According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star, You`re actually a few million years late. That star is dead, just like your dreams.
SPOILER ALERT: Rice cakes do not contain any actual cake.
I thought I was on the cash cab show! But turns out I was in a police car and cops hate trivia.
When you`re tucking your kids in at night, read them a few select Facebook statuses, kiss them on the forehead and whisper "This is why we must stay in school."
What if the stickers are the only thing Made In China?
Yes I stalk you, but only as a friend.
*uses Ouija board* NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don`t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she`s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
i wasnt that drunk * "bro, you destroyed my mothers garden while screaming F*CK FARMVILLE!"*
Best part of living alone...clothing optional ;)
The worst part of owning an invisibility cloak is trying to remember where you hung it up.
You know, rumor has it that the Mona Lisa may have been the first selfie.
Facebook really needs a “pee on someone’s wall” option.