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Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until the creepy guy from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
This Polo shirt as two buttoning options: Uptight Golf prick or disco chest hairs.
Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you.
Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.
The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they take things so literally.
No one in my family has ever actually used the Olive Garden gift card. We just keep passing it down from generation to generation.
Most meteorologists are men. That`s why when they say we`re going to get 6-8" of snow, we only get 2 or 3.
thinks we need to think like a first grade teacher and separate Romney and Gingrich next time they debate!
Get ahead of myself. Sometimes I
Not only am I a master of suspense, but I...
Don`t have sex man, it leads to kissing and pretty soon you will have to start talking to her..
Personally, I think failure should be an option
You may think I`m a loser, but to my goldfish, I`m the god of flakes.
Judging by the way some women wear makeup it`s rather obvious they didn`t excel at coloring as a kid ...
A fine is a tax for doing wrong...and a Tax is a fine for doing well