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Everyone around me keeps telling me I`m mean ... Which is absurd ... Plus, they`re ugly.
Whenever a little kid asks me to push him on the swing I remind him there are children his age in China making iPhones.
A reality show where a couple wins $10 million dollars if they show nobody a picture of their baby for the first 2 years.
A hard thing about business is minding your own
Anyone says their wedding day was the best day of their lives has obviously never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine
Dating a woman in 5 easy steps: 1. Be attentive 2. Don`t be too attentive 3. Show interest 4. Don`t show too much interest 5. Seek therapy
Did you know: Your life expectancy decreases every time you ... PISS ME OFF
When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on.
Iād be 100x more motivated if Samuel L. Jackson yelled at me to get things done.
The sucking moment when you wave to someone & they haven`t noticed you & all are watching you & you feel why you waved in the first place & still you run after the person to stop & say HI
If your talking behind my back then guess what? Your in a pretty good position to kiss my a$$!!!!
Cleavage is like the sun, you can look... But its dangerous to stare
Pool is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
Hello? HP? Iād like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet but you sent me a printer.
There are only 53 days until Christmas... just a heads-up in case you haven`t shopped for me yet.