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Tomorrow I will live in the moment, unless it`s unpleasant, in which case I will eat a cookie.
Hump Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I`m introducing a new calendar system: B.C. = Before Children. A.D. = After Divorce.
Is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep?
Yoga pants are just push up bras for your butt.
Christmas is all about getting your entire dysfunctional family under one roof, hoping the cops don`t get called and nobody gets arrested.
If your boyfriend answers your text while playing GTA, he doesn`t love you. He just died on the game.
With great power comes great electricity bill.
when a police officer yells turn around . Do not respond by singing . Every now and then i get a little bit lonely when you never come around
I saw a cool bumper sticker on a back of a SUV . . . “Do you follow Jesus this close?”
Being fat = Lowers your chance of getting kidnapped.
Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.
Trivia - It turns out that Alexander the Great was not all that great. But in those days, nobody had the guts to call him Alexander the SO-SO
If your friends don’t make fun of you, they’re not your true friends.
Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is police.