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Drying out wet fireworks in the oven is not a good idea. Trust me on this
My bank account is more like a countdown to homelessness.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I`m an adult. Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It`s because I`m poor.
Business Plan: 1. Hold sign that says "Free Hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it`s $50 to let go"
Me: "Why do all the people I love leave me?!" UPS Guy: "Please Mam, just sign"
I’ve been a sucker for boobies since the day I was born.
There were only 3 commandments until Moses’ wife got involved.
Night people could take over the world if we weren’t so busy finding something good on TV.
I smoked weed once and realized spoons are just little bowls on sticks
My resolution for the New Year is to find more situations where it`s acceptable to wear a bathrobe out in public
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Swiss army knives are only like 8% knife.
I never run with scissors. (those last two words were unnecessary.)
This beer is making me awesome !! ;)
It`s like my pastor always says, "Who are you and why are you stealing wine?"