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I just saw someone by themselves not looking at a phone. Hope they`re ok.
There should be an "undo" button in an elevator for when you accidentally hit the wrong floor.
Olive Garden says “When you’re here you’re family”, how could they expect me NOT to think I’m entitled to a free meal.
My bank balance is a constant reminder that I`m safe from identity theft
If your talking behind my back then guess what? Your in a pretty good position to kiss my a$$!!!!
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I look so young for my rage.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That`s how this works.
I woke up early this morning with the strange desire to get up and exercise. Fortunately I rolled over and closed my eyes really tight and the feeling went away.
Sometimes the fact that bacon exists is enough.
I`m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
That moment of shame when an automatic door doesn`t open for you
You know how sometimes as you fall asleep your whole body jolts you awake? That`s a ghost finishing sex with you.
If Jesus was the son of Mary and he was the Lamb of God, Does that mean Mary had a Little Lamb?
I recently added squats to my workouts by moving the beer into the bottom shelf of the fridge.