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Sex is great, but.....Have you ever had stuffed crust pizza?!?!
What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig ? The letter F ?
Mom: You haven`t moved since I left 5 hours ago? Me: Excuse me, where do you think these chips came from!!???
Do you ever dislike someone so much that you hate when people are nice to them?
Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess.
It might look like I`m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I`m quite busy.
Have you ever noticed how people who play candy crush are always saying they need a life?
Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
Don`t ya wish you could hold people up to the light like a $20 bill to tell if they`re fake or real?
I got kicked out of the audience of "Cats" on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Some people are too chipper early in the morning. They don`t realize how bad it is for their health.....until I`m choking them
Everyone loved Jack-in-the-box as kids. Now I`m older, I like mine in the bottle
Happy birthday you motor boatin SOB! Have a great day
Besides being curled up on the bathroom floor convinced I was dying from liver failure for a few hours, last night was fun.
You get wasted, swear to much, and your morals are questionable. You`re everything I`m looking for in a friend.