Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Don`t judge if you don`t know me. Unless you`re my bartender & you say "This guy looks like he needs another double vodka martini" then please do..
If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.
Not to cause a panic but i`m starting to think we`re running out of things to stuff inside pizza crust.
If it hurts when you pee, urine trouble.
I can`t wait for a empty Christmas wrapping paper tube to bonk someone over the head with!
Don`t cry because it`s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren`t in the database.
Oh you`re in the shower? Here`s the seven worst songs from your playlist. - shuffle mode
Its O.K. to laugh during sex … just don’t point ! ... trust me
The number one reason why trick or treating is better than sex is, you can do the whole neighborhood.
Every day I struggle between “I wanna look good naked” and “treat yourself.”
How I talk: 25% swearing, 25% sarcasm 50% a combination of both.
Its all fun and games until someone drinks the beer with the cigarette butts in it..
I`d totally order a salad bar. If it had lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, ketchup, mustard, hamburger and buns.
Just ate a sleeve of crackers on my wife`s side of the bed.. I`ll let you know...
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is knowing not to put it in the fruit salad.