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The first order of business for the 115th Congress: blaming everything on the 114th Congress.
A box 5 lb. box of chocolates: $40, Valentines Day card: $3.75, not being yelled at for 35 minutes until the chocolate is gone: priceless!
How do you play religious roulette? You stand around in a circle with your friends and blaspheme, and see who gets struck by lightning first.
I think that there are two things that we can all agree on: Boobs.
Pet stores should post "Chameleon" on empty reptile cages just to see how long people would stand and look.
Don`t be embarrassed by who you are. Unless you`re stupid. Then you`re pretty much screwed.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, “It’s okay, I think we lost him.”
Get ahead of myself. Sometimes I
Hangman was my favorite childhood learning game that promoted hanging someone for a wrong answer.
When I was growing up, I was taught to walk and talk and when I was grown, I was told to sit down and STFU!!!
thinks it would be great if we really burped bubbles when we were drunk .. just like in cartoons.
I bet heroin addicts can open a Capri sun on the first try.
What do you mean being awesome for another year isn`t a resolution?
You can tell how old someone is by what part of the chex mix is their favorite.
If you catch me doing a selfie at work, at least offer to take the pic for me.