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Who the hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere just let one in your home and it becomes your cat.
My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I`m five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."
Humans pretend to be smart, but we still look at the ceiling when we hear a noise upstairs like we just developed x-ray vision.
"mommy watch this!" is the toddler equivalent of "hold my beer and watch this"
If you`re going to walk a mile in my shoes...Can you pick me up some beer on your way back?
According to these court documents, the way to a woman`s heart isn`t through her bedroom window.
There`s no mirrors in this self checkout?!?
There is no such thing as failure. There are only results.
The hardest part about being an adult is trying to hide how you`re still a child.
I love secretly placing a deck of cards on top of someones ceiling fan.
So last night I put a whopee cushion on moms chair, waited and finally heard it go off.. I walk in with a massive smile on my face to find out that she hadn`t even sat on it yet.
Apologising does not mean you are wrong and the other person is right, it just means you value your relationship more than your ego.
A young man gets sent to jail,and gets put into a jail cell with a convict the size of the Incredible Hulk. After lights out, he hears a whisper from the top bunk."Let`s play Mommy and Daddy. Who do you wanna be?" Thinking quick, the man says "daddy." "Then come up here and suck Mommy`s d!ck."
It`s no fun having nothing to do, fun is having a lot to do and doing nothing.
I`m old enough to remember when having a long cord on the home phone was privacy.