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There’s a special place in Hell for people who call to see if you got their email!
Im a leader not a follower... unless its a dark place then f*ck that your going first!
That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to Bounce of 3 walls, Knock over a lamp and kill a cat.
Can Walmart be a feeling? I think that`s how I feel today.
The best way to deal with dumb people is to never leave your house sober
Sometimes I get so mad at myself for being too lazy that I don`t even do anything about it.
My kids are giving all the people on this airplane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
If spiders ever come to the realization that people are terrified of them, we`re f*cked.
For the love of God, single people, stop looking for love or you`ll end up married.
Office thermostats only have 2 settings: hell fire and hypothermia.
It`s damn funny when a wife think`s she`s punishing her husband by not talking to him for days..
I want to delete a bunch statuses, so if you guys could just message me your passwords that`d be great.
I`m so old, I remember when the internet didn`t have commercials.
The best thing about weed is it teaches you that it`s okay to take 35 minutes to make a sandwich
So, All my exes live in Texas; Exactly, how does one go about scheduling a tornado ?