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Let’s get naughty and save Santa the trip.
My therapist cries "Why me?" for the full hour.
It’s amazing how little information I need on someone before I decide I don’t like them.
Never let your printer know you`re in a rush, those bastards smell fear
Now it`s too hot to take down the outdoor Christmas lights.
My bank balance is a constant reminder that I`m safe from identity theft
Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
The older I get the more use I have for the phrase "bite me."
I`m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
If you are going to write in the dust on my car, please dont date it
One of us spends too much time on Facebook.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups...
A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he’s probably just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, that’s what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together.
Here`s to all the kids who have never found their name on anything in a souvenir store
Why is it always the same person getting in your way from start to checkout at the grocery store?