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I hate having to work for a living. But I hate starving even more.
One of the most important things in life is perserverance. Hang on...perseveren...no, perserveer...pesever… oh, never mind.....
life is unfair theres 6 days between monday and sunday but only 1 between sunday and monday
I really wish Walmart had a 10 teeth or more line...
Since smart watches can now read your pulse, there should be a feature that erases your browser history if your heart stops beating...
My boss calls it a cubicle. I call it a happiness deprivation chamber.
Judge: I`ve decided to give your ex-wife $350/month for child support. Me: That`s very generous. I`ll try and kick in a little myself.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
I’m on that new diet where you eat everything and hope for a miracle!
You know it´s cold outside when during rush hour you get the mitten instead of the finger.
Can`t believe people still say "pot" it`s not the 70s anymore we call it "saucepan" now
If you lose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.
Thought I was having deja-vu. But it turns out, I do the exact same things every day.
No man has ever won a game of `notice anything different about me?`
Wow, it`s beautiful outside. I should probably do something. Like close the blinds so there isn`t a glare on my screen.