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I`m trying to be healthy and grow my own food but I can`t find any Twinkie seeds. :/
The pollen levels are so high this year that it has the crackheads trying to convert their meth back into Sudafed...
If anyone every texts me "who is this" I always respond "Jake from State Farm"
I fell asleep on the couch last night & woke up thinking I was married.
Due to inflation, a picture is now only worth 700 words.
Women have a lot more experience dealing with bloodstains than men. Men are convicted of murder a lot more than women. Coincidence?
It’s what people don’t know about each other that makes them such good friends.
I quit my job with the Dept of Corrections. That place was like a prison...
I want to delete a bunch statuses, so if you guys could just message me your passwords that`d be great.
The heart wants what the heart wants. *opens 12th beer*
If he`s dumb enough to send you a generic message in a mass text...be smart enough to reply to all "I still haven`t gotten my period."
Do you think all the giraffes sit around and watch Margaret in Nebraska give birth?
If flying is really so safe, then why is it called the `terminal`?
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Every pizza is a personal pizza if you eat the entire thing.