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My car is so old the high beam switch is on the floor...
My first career was working as a Ventriloquist on a Radio Program, I got let go when people kept calling in to say my lips were moving.........
"I don`t know what the f*ck this tastes like." - first person to eat chicken.
"I love Justin bieber" well I love McDonalds but you don`t see me making an account pretending to be a f*cking chicken nugget do you...
The statement ‘Hey! Calm down!’ has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down.
I wish I could talk to donkeys so I could be known as the ass whisperer.
Ok honey don’t freak out, but someone broke into the house, ate all the ice cream, smashed that picture of your mother, and didn’t do the dishes.
I will not be impressed with technology until I can download food from the internet.
My kids are always accusing me of having a "favorite child" which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
I`m pretty sure there`s a chip in my car that turns all traffic lights RED...
During a test..people look up for inspiration, down in desperation, and left and right for information
If you can´t read this, you´re illiterate.
Wine improves with age. I improve with wine.
People would believe everything I say.. if it wasn`t for everything I say.
The only way to communicate with a drunk person is to get hammered too.