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Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious!
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When i quized him on it, he reckoned he could stop aaaany time . . . .
Some people are more confused then a chameleon in a packet of Skittles.
something about today makes me want to be hungover tomorrow
Since I`m getting older I`ve been thinking about my health. Should I work out 2 hrs a day like Jack Lalanne who was 96? Or smoke cigars like George Burns who lived to be 100?
That moment you realize that the person who proofread Hitler`s speeches was indeed a Grammar Nazi.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine - I’d worship him too.
Can everyone come to my funeral in FBI outfits, stand at the back & not say a word to my parents so they think I lived a cool double life.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that if you encounter enemies then you’re going the right way.
Yo! My friend won a trip to China. He´s out there now... trying to win a trip back.
If I learned anything from my children, it`s that it is always OK to do something stupid, as long as someone DARED you to do it.
Asking a girl what exactly she looks for in a guy is like asking her "what exactly do I have to do to get friendzoned?
You look in good shape!!! Round is a shape isn`t it???
My business card is just a picture of me looking inside the fridge.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like "Ugh, tourists".