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I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said "Die, Decepticons! Die!"
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I`m like HOLY CRAP I`M OUTSIDE.
In an alternate universe cats feed humans Lean Cuisines while muttering "I don`t know how you eat that sh!t".
Technically, I don`t have to do anything until my wife wakes up and realizes I`m not doing anything.
I think you and I both know that you`re not facebook friends with me for the funny statuses.
You know its a bad day when your fat pants are tight :(
I did a half hour on the treadmill each day last week. This week, I`m up to 1 hour a day. I`m slowly building up to actually turning it on some time in the future.
Funny word combinations :Clearly misunderstood, Exact estimate, Small crowd, Act naturally, Found missing, Fully empty and above all ... Happily Married
I have never preheated an oven but I have pre-eaten a frozen pizza.
My neighbor`s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
As a nation, we may be spending our children`s money, but at my house, it`s the other way around.
The problem with today`s children is that today`s parents are idiots.
Tequila is Spanish for Iām open to waking up anywhere.
Today`s subliminal thought is: ā¦
Volleyball is just a more intense game of "Don`t let the balloon touch the floor"