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Confidence is going after Moby Dick in a row boat ... and taking the tartar sauce with you.
So, I bought a wok to cook healthy food and I have to say, these french fries don`t taste any different.
I don`t really understand why women are expected to be able to cook if they can give blowjobs.
A box 5 lb. box of chocolates: $40, Valentines Day card: $3.75, not being yelled at for 35 minutes until the chocolate is gone: priceless!
Scream “Chrome is better than Firefox” around a group of geeks if you wanna see them argue for 2 hours.
The girl in the car next to me is totally checking me out. I think she likes me. After I`m done picking my nose, I`m gonna smile and wave.
Ever since I heard that women have one breast bigger than the other,it`s given me another reason to stare.
Today I am thankful that I don`t post what I am thankful for on Facebook, every day in November. Or ever.
I want my tombstone to say "It didn`t make me stronger."
Never underestimate a woman’s ability to make anything your fault.
Have you ever ate something so good that you do a little happy dance while your eating it?
The truth might set you free, but lying might keep you out of jail.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
iTunes got it all wrong, the hottest single of the year is me.
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn`t even apply for a job.