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I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake.
I wish you could order Karma like flowers and have it delivered.
I hate hanging out with MC Hammer, he never let`s me touch anything.
Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
Attention idiots: as you continue to read something clearly addressed to idiots. Idiot.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Hardest question in a relationship, "What do you feel like eating?"
Every woman needs a shoulder to cry on, a shoulder to lean on and a shoulder to hold her bra strap on!!!
I always pick up a huge cucumber up at walmart and yell to my wife "you said you wanted the biggest one right" Because I`m a great husband
I’ve never pretended to be anything I’m not…except for sober. I’ve pretended to be sober a few times.
For lent, I`m giving up sexual innuendos but it`s hard... so hard!
Just realized all books are different combinations of the same 26 letters. This is BS!
If you can´t convince them, confuse them.
My daughter said, "You`re the best mommy ever!" I`m really proud that she`s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
I wish I was Robinson Cruso. Coz, I can have `Friday` everyday :) TGIF guys..cheers ;)