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Going to drink straight from the carton because I`m a badass!
Next time you take your dog for a walk pretend he`s solving a mystery.
Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I`m having scrambled eggs
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog`s poop.
I bet it’s pretty hard at a mime’s funeral to figure out when the moment of silence is over.
There are so many scams on the Internet now. Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them.
okay it was me..... I did it ..... I let the dogs out
Took the ice from my ice bucket challenge and put it in my whisky.
My bed is half full - Lonely optimist.
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
People born in 1994-1999 have lived in three decades, two centuries, and two millenniums. & they are not even 18 yet.
Growing up we were so poor. If I wasn`t a boy I would have had nothing to play with.
I’m not crazy just the voices are!
It`s kind of creepy that you noticed me staring at you.
I’m usually that person who has no idea what’s going on.