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If I was rich, I`d do nothing all day from a much nicer couch
Coffee has given me unrealistic expectations of productivity.
My wife is so annoying. "Do you think I`m sexy? Am I hot? How gorgeous am I? Do I have a nice ass?" I just want her to answer me.
Facebook is serious. I put more thought into whether or not to accept a friend request than whether or not to sleep with someone.
If at first you don´t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Ex Girlfriend: Omg! I had a dream about you last night!! Ex Boyfriend: Aww thats so sweet, what happend? Ex Girlfriend: U died :)
Somebody told me I need adult supervision. I was like "I Know!" It would be awesome to be able to see through walls and shoot lasers out my eyes.
i wasnt tht drunk u was holding a ballon thinking it was a comdom
Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called " fun size" should really re-evaluate their stanards of entertainment.
I see you’re playing stupid. Looks like you’re winning too.
I refuse to celebrate Earth Day until Wind & Fire are recognized.
Well, I`ve officially entered the, "Why did I come into this room?" phase of my life.
Didn`t think my day could get any better but my robe has pockets so boom, there you go.
Women fall in love by what they hear. Men fall in love by what they see. That’s why most women wear makeup and most men lie.
I`m trying to be healthy and grow my own food but I can`t find any Twinkie seeds.